The Martha Complex

I want to live.

2012-02-15T07:33:00.000-08:00

I had a epiphany last night.

For the past couple of days I have felt like crap. Not the depressed, anxiety crap, but the physical yuckiness crap and last night I really thought I was at death's door. Sounds silly, but folks I am being for real. My throat hurt, my nose burned, my eyes hurt, I felt all kinds of pressure in my head, I was running a fever, and it literally hurt to be touched. The husband tried to rub my back when I was laying down and I about jumped off the couch.

Laying in bed I was thinking all kinds of thoughts and trying to get the nerve up to say something. (Am I the only one that will have an entire conversation in their head before the conversation and practice exactly what they are trying to say?). I asked the husband to pray for me and I told him I really didn't want to die.

I didn't want to die.

It was dark so I couldn't tell but I am sure he probably rolled his eyes. Being at what sounds silly moment, thinking I was going to die, made me think though... in moments of rage or depression (Lord, this is mortifying to admit!) I will have the whole "I hate my life, I wish I could just die," thoughts.

The thoughts have always stayed just that - thoughts. I have never went as far to scope out a plan on how to end it or anything. But - again, completely embarrassing - I have prayed before asking God to please let me not wake up in the morning.

Sad, sick and embarrassing I know.

Last night though when I thought I was literally at death's door, I said out loud "I don't want to die." I told the husband I hoped I hadn't jinxed myself and was finally getting an unanswered prayer that I no longer wanted answered, answered.

Today, I still feel like yuck. But I woke up.

& I even came to work.

Dedicated, I tell you. I have an appointment with the doctor today so I am hoping he can dose out a miracle cure and take this funky funk from me.

But I am writing last night's epiphany down so next time I have a horrible day where I think everyone would have it so much easier and happier if I was no longer around and I am just completly tired of life, I can go back and read this blog post.

I want to live.

Wishing.

2012-02-13T06:30:00.000-08:00

Okay guys, I am in a runt.

I am not hiding in my closet praying for the ceiling to fall on me (Yep, been there, done that) but I am in a runt nevertheless.

I have spent my entire weekend wishing.

I have looked at beautiful houses with beautiful landscaped yards and wished I lived there.

I glanced at someones beautiful and extremely heavy looking wedding bands and wished my own was a tad bigger.

At a birthday party I went to this weekend, I saw moms with cute outfits and I say there feeling slighty frumpy wishing I had the funds to revamp my entire closet.

I hear someone talk about their glamorous job and I wish I could sound just half as excited or happy about my own boring desk job.

I saw a baby in a stroller and I wished for the umpteenth millionth time that I didn't stop with just one child.

I read a Facebook status of someone hinting to something that they got for Valentine's Day and I wished I was going to get something special.

I read another Facebook status of someone mentioning their close group of friends and wished I was part of their circle.

After having to factory reset my phone - again - I wished I had just bought the phone I wanted to in the first place and wished I had the money to throw away and upgrade this piece of crap right now. Darn contracts.

:sigh:

I hate wishing. Or feeling jealous or just plain insecure.

It is such a waste really. I hate not feeling grateful over the things I do have... and I know I have tons to be grateful for and I do feel thankful for what I have... Sometimes I just want more though. I really sound like a Debbie Downer... or is it Bitter Betty?

It just seems like it is always something with me.

I have a roof over my head, no car payments and food in the pantry. They may not be high fashion, but I do have clothes to wear. I am employed and I am not burying a child, spouse or parent today.

I will be thankful, grateful and try hard to remember what I have.

Followers

2012-02-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

Does anyone pay attention to their followers?

I am always curious what makes anyone "follow" my blog. Are they really interested? Do they suffer from depression also? Do they just like to catch up on their fair share of crazy in little ol' me?

I started this blog as a form of therapy, I didn't start this blog to be popular. I know I will never have the traffic and followers as some blogs I read and love, but everyone wants to feel and be liked, right? Doesn't everyone want to feel just a little tiny bit popular?

Yesterday when I logged into Blogger and saw that I had one less follower.

One less.

Someone out there deleted me.

Someone out there doesn't like me.

Someone out there doesn't like my blog.

Yep, I know I am being silly. I know in all reality it does not matter. Maybe they got bored, maybe they weren't interested, maybe they deleted their own blogger account... maybe it doesn't even matter.

But it does.

I feel embarrassed to say I have scoured the profile pictures of my readers trying to remember all the faces. Who is missing? Who deleted me?

& really, why does it matter to me?

I am such a nut.

Who's Right?

2012-02-02T11:27:00.000-08:00

Can we talk religion?

A co-worker and I got into a debate on religon yesterday. Co-worker found a couple of scriptures in the Bible that states Christians are not to eat pork. She went on to tell me that pigs are dirty, filthy creatures and we need to remove pork from our diet. I can eat my fair share of ham so I had to find a scripture that allows me to eat as much ham as I want. And I did find one in Mark 7:15.

Her response? "That is why I only read the King James Version."

That got me thinking...

There has been more than one scripture that states one thing and then another scripture later on that contradicts the first one. I went to a church in the past where the Pastor was HUGE on tithing. Every Sunday at least 15 minutes of the sermon was about how we were to give 10% of our earnings because the Bible says we are supposed too.

I eventually found a scripture that to me, contradicates the scripture about the 10% giving: "Whatever you give is acceptable, if you give eagerly." (2 Corinthians 8:12).

Which scripture is right? 10% or anything you what? (Eagerly, of course.)

And about her comment about only reading the King James Verstion; there are tons of Bibles out there... New Living Translation, New English Translation, New American Translation, etc., etc. How does anyone know that they are reading the correct and right Bible? I know that there are things that have had to be lost in translation. And I am also sure there were things added or omitted. And with the King James Version, how do I know ol' King James didn't add his opinions and two cents in there?

The question of Bibles has gotten me thinking even deeper. What about religion as a whole? There are TONS of different religions; Catholics, Methodist, Baptists, Pentecoastals, Jehoval Witness, Mulims... and those are just the ones I can think of at the top of my head. Every domination thinks their Bible is correct and the one everyone should follow. How do you know you are practicing the right religion and praying to the "right" God?

What if you die and find out all long you have been wrong, practicing the wrong religion and praying to the wrong God and aren't going to Heaven afterall?

Call me crazy, but that is something I think about.

But in the end, I love ham and can't imagine not having my ham at Christmas.

Time for another Brain Dump

2012-02-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

Is it too early in the week to do a brain dump?

For the past few days I have been playing the "what if" game in my head. What if I would have done this, what if I would have done that. I hate what if's.

The past three weeks I have been on a diet. In those weeks I have only lost what feels like a measly, 5.9 pounds. The first week I lost five pounds. I was ecstatic and thought this whole dieting/exercising thing was going to a piece of cake. The second week I lost .9 pounds. .9! Not even one a complete pound. I weighed in today at the exact same weight as last week. I know on the bright side it's good that I didn't actually gain weight BUT I am busting my hump, walking every day and practically, it feels like starving myself on this low carb diet.. & the scale does not to move? I am ready to go get a Whopper.... or a Reeces Pieces cup. Or even just a a piece of Butterscotch. I miss Butterscotch.

I had a 'friend' lie to me yesterday. First I thought it was funny. Then I was sad because obviously she must battle her own insecurities to tell such a lie. Then after stewing on it all day I got angry. Why lie? Did they remember that I tried to share with them a few years ago my own self-esteem issues and insecurities? Was she trying to make feel bad and question my own life choices yet again? I wish instead of responding "Wow, Congrats on the job." I would have said "There is no way you are making $60K a year in a position that often requires a college degree, when you have never stepped foot in a college.... & since when does a bank hire a "paralegal" anyway?"

& if someone tells me it is possible I am going to kick myself. (& in my defense, I would be more apt to believe her if the "AP manager" position she had just a few short years ago didn't actually turn out to be a file clerk - Not that there is anything wrong being a file clerk, I just don't understand lying about it.)

I have grown addicted to "Words With Friends." I.T. might have blocked Pintrest from my computer but they can't touch that app on my phone.

I have been having a love/hate relationship with my hair again. I really wish I had the guts to pull a Britney and shave my head and rock wigs. One day I could be curly burnette, one day I could be a straight blonde, one day I could be Reba red. I have always thought Reba McEntire had the prettist color hair.

The spouse has grown a beard. I never thought I would like a beard but I love it. The man is hot.

I have finished Desperate Housewives and I am not looking for a series to get sucked into for the next week or so on Netflix instant streaming. Any recommendations?

Interview Update

2012-01-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

Okay, well I went on the GAL interview yesterday.

I have been nervous about it. So nervous by the time yesterday morning came around I had almost talked myself out of it. I mentioned it on Facebook and of course I got the messages that GAL was a tough gig.

When I walked in I was told to have a sit in their break room. The break room was in the very end of a long hallway at the very back of the building. The interview was set for 12:30 (I was on my lunch hour). Ten minutes went by, then 15 minutes. I was sitting their nervous, playing with my phone and listening to someone in the next room discuss their case about removing a child from a home.

Yikes.

The self-talk in my head was brutal. I was staring at the clock and wondering if I could slowly sneak past the front desk without the receptionist noticing. & if she does notice me walking out, with so much time gone by she would just assume I had had the interview right? I was wondering if there was a back door where I could avoid walking by the receptionist. & if I did walk out, I know they obviously had my name... did I give them my phone number? Would someone call me later and ask why I ran out the door? I finally told myself if no one called me 1:00 I was out of there.

12:50 & they finally came for me.

The interview went well I think. She asked me the standard questions, why did I want to participate in the program and what makes me feel like I was a good fit. She asked if I had a problem with inter-racial relationships or had a preference between boys & girls (no & no). She asked how I felt about spanking and what my definition of a spanking is. Then a dozen of questions later she finally asked me if I had any questions or concerns. I was half-way honest, I didn't tell her that I sometimes suffer from depression or anxiety... I did tell her that I was sensitive and empathic and worry about feeling hurt about things I could see. She said that those feelings could be good and they would be there to support and help.

Now writing that I feel extremely guilty. I should have told her, right? I should have told her I take anti-depressants. I should have told her she is probably wasting her time even interviewing me for a volunteer position that I would probably be no good at.
At the end she asked if I could take some training sessions in March. So now I have another month to stew and pray about it.

It is weird because this is something I am interested in... why am I so apprehensive? With my ferris wheel of ups and downs, what makes me think I could help a child?

Ugh.

Brain Dump

2012-01-24T07:01:00.000-08:00

I started a low carb diet two weeks ago. So far I have lost 5.1 pounds. The next weigh in is tomorrow morning. I have a feeling tomorrow I won't be so happy with the scale.

It seems like every other day the spouse and I are in a tift about something or another. Maybe I should rephrase that... it seems like every other day I am in a tift with him about something.

I have finally turned in GAL application and have an interview Thursday. I am starting to freak out a bit. I haven't been on an interview in eons.

I am in a funk about deciding to continue my education or not. It has taken me years to finally get my Associates degree and I have done nothing with it. Would I do anything with a Bachelor's?

I paid off a credit card and was happy about living debt free (minus the mortgage) for approximately 48 hours before the spouse and I went to Best Buy and purchased a new $1,400 computer and speakers for his "man cave." Now I am stressing about that debt.

I think I am going through a mid-life crisis... or menopause. Is 36 too young for that?

It makes me sad to think I am 36. 35 sounds so much better. Getting old or the thought of, getting old makes me sad.

I am still in a funk about finding and maintaining friendships. Is it me or is friendship harder as adults? It is funny because the close girl friends I do have, I feel like we aren't really friends really. Maybe really close acquaintances.

My new obsession on the Netflix is Desperate Housewives.

I hate my cell phone. I am counting the days (22!) when I can upgrade.

I am embarrassed to say this, but the country music lover in me has developed a strong crush on Pitbull. Without his music my lunchtime walk would be boring.

I miss blogging and the release it does for me. Blogging is therapy for me and I need to stop hiding from it.

The time where I slammed cabinets.

2012-01-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

This week I have had a bad week.

I have been ornery, aggravated and in a type of mood where everyone (including myself) has been annoying me.

Yesterday I reached the very peak of annoyance. After work I stopped by the grocery store and was already dreading the thought of coming home to endless chores.

When I got to the front door I had bags in my hand and I could have laid everything down and used my keys to unlock the door but that would have been too easy. I decided to knock and wait for the spouse or teen to open the door and help unload the groceries. Of course, they didn't come to the door. Of course, they said they didn't hear the door by the time I managed to unlock the door myself.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream that Charlie Brown type of scream, I wanted to throw the carton of eggs across the room. What I did do was slam some cabinets. Real mature, I know.

Later before bed the spouse asked what was going on with me. I told him I was just tired of being tired. I told him I felt like I was drowning and I was just tired of everything - of my life, at that moment.

He told me that earlier that night the teen came to him and asked him why was I so mean.

That broke my heart.

I don't want to be that kind of mom.

I grew up hating my mom and I don't want my daughter to have those kind of feelings towards me. I want to remember that later after dinner the teen and I sat together on the couch and watched Justin Bieber "Never Say Never." I want to remember that later when I was laying in bed reading, the teen said she wanted to lay beside me for a few minutes and "hang out." I want to believe that she loves me and knows that even when I am having a horrible, no good day (or week) I do love her.

I don't want to be a mean mom or wife.

Where is the fine line between making them understand my frustrations and not coming across as a mean mom?

Where is that peaceful, almost content feeling I had at the first of the year?

Tired.

2012-01-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

Can I complain? I know... most of my blog is just complaints, so this isn't going to be particular different.
Friends, I am tired.

I am tired of trying to be frugal and skipping lunch while the spouse gets fast food value meals for lunch.

I am tired of waking up before the sun comes up to fix spouse a healthy breakfast.

I am tired of feeling like I am the only one that does laundry, takes out the trash and everything else that is housekeeping related.

I am tired of asking for help or asking for a favor and being told later "I forgot."

I am tired of feeling like a constant nag.

I am tired of feeling like I have to make miracles with our checking account.

I am tired of coming home every day (When the spouse and thirteen year have already been home for over 2 hours) to "I am hungry, what's for dinner?"

I am tired of being the one to make the grocery lists, cutting all the coupons and going to the grocery store alone. (I HATE grocery shopping. Honestly, I hate shopping altogether!)

I am tired of having a closet full of clothes and only having a handful that fits comfortably.

I am tired of looking at others and wishing I had what they had... a nicer car, a nicer house. A nicer life.

I am tired of being asked what I do for a living and feeling ashamed of saying "administrative assistant."

I am tired of making sure everyone else is happy and forgetting about my own happiness.

I can blame this mood on depression or just hormones and I know tomorrow just might be a better day, but today I am just tired of being tired.

:sigh:

I will...

2012-01-04T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have been avoiding this blog.

Again.

I have no reason really; I haven't had any meltdowns and the little frustrations I have had, I just wasn't in the mood to share. & honestly who wants to hear the same woe is me, my life stinks. nonsense over and over and over again?

Life has been okay... I think I have came to terms with some stuff. For the past year I have been on a mission to find happiness and build my self esteem up but I have learned the more I try the more I fail, so why not just rock who I am and just be done with it?

Some bloggers have commented about past posts they have wrote in 2011. In a fit of depressed rage I deleted all my posts. In some ways I am glad I can not revist all that angst, but in other ways I wish I could go back and read and see just how silly I was or just see how far I have come - for today anyway.

I will never have that television version of happiness I have in my head and I think I have finally come to terms with that. But I do have some resolutions for 2012.

:sigh:

I will be a friend that I wish I had. That is a tough one for me. I CRAVE friendship and it is something I have blogged about once before. I want to open myself up and be the friend to others that I wish I had. Instead of posting on a old classmate's facebook page that we need to meet for lunch one day - I will actually folllow through with a real invitation. (Isn't it funny how you can carry on conversations with people online, but never seem to find the time to meet or talk to in real life? Or maybe that is just me?)

I will find my purpose in life. I will turn in my GAL application (finally!) and hopefully feel like I can make a difference in someone's life. & if that doesn't work out, I will keep trying to find my niche and where I belong.

I will not let depression or anxiety rule me.

Notice I said "I will" versus "I want?"

Hopefully positive thinking will help me conquor 2012.

Happy belated New Year!

Looking for a purpose...

2011-12-21T07:17:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder what your purpose in life is?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately.

A LOT.

I have been feeling a pull lately and I can't figure it out. Maybe it is because a couple of Sundays back the sermon was about recognizing the individual talents (using) God has given us. Maybe it is because I finally got the Associates Degree that sits unframed, still in the envelope, with the other mail. Maybe it is because of the foster child that haunts me from the bowling alley.

I told the spouse last night I want to finally turn in my Guardian Ad Litem application in the first of the year. Every time I start to hit "send" I change my mind. Who am I to help change a life? I might be okay today but next week I could be a basket case. I can be an obsessive worrier and would something like this really be good for me?

I wish there was easy answers. But surely, I was meant to be more than just some administrative assistant that sits behind a desk all day.

What do I do?

Do I go back to school?

Do I just start applying for any other job that sounds interesting?

So tell me... do you know what your purpose is? Are you doing it? Are you happy with your choices?

Love is...

2011-12-09T07:59:00.000-08:00

Remember when I told you I have been in a funk?

For a recap I have been feeling unloved, unwanted, depressed and just plain sad.

Last Sunday at church the sermon was all about love.

Love is patient, love is kind.

Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

There are so many different ways to love. There are so many different kinds of love. I love my daughter completely different than the way I love my spouse. The love I feel for chocolate is different than the love I feel for the ocean.

Sunday's sermon was basically on how we love and how we show others our love. I am guilty of feeling like I show my love love for my family every time I fold or find a matching sock, every time I go to the grocery store. But is that really showing love?

The pastor said to take the scripture above and for every "love" replace with "I"

I am patient, I am kind.

I do not envy, I does not boast, I am not proud.

I do not dishonor others, I am not self-seeking, I am not easily angered, I keep no record of wrongs.

I do not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

I always protect, always trust, always hope and always persevere.

Wow.

How can I expect to feel love when I can't truthfully say I do any of the above? I like to think I am kind to others but everyone knows I am not kind or patient to myself.

& envy?? Forget it. Sometimes I can be the jealousy/bitter queen.

I don't want to sound like a re-run but maybe in my search for happiness, I can find love for myself as well.

Sadness

2011-12-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

I have avoided this blog for awhile.

I have been tempted to delete it and start all over. Again. I hate how I probably come across. I hate that someone is probably reading this somewhere and rolling there eyes over another Debbie Downer post from a girl that never can get it and just be content.

I hate saying this, but today, I hate my life.

I hate feeling lonely. I hate that my spouse can go off for the weekend and go close to 48 hours without calling me or responding to any texts, but has time to post Facebook statuses.

I hate wanting friendship. I hate working up the nerve to (I feel like I am begging for friendship) ask someone if they want to meet for dinner and learn they have plans already. Sometimes even when you know it isn't, it is hard to not take rejection personally.

I hate that this weekend the only companionship I have had was with my 13 year old. While I love her and I am grateful she agreed to go shopping and to the movies with me - it just reminded me of how lonely I will be in a few years when she leaves.

I hate that when I am with someone I do consider a friend, they are constantly either talking about another friend, or texting said friend. It really can make you feel like chopped liver.

Now, I know everything I am saying sounds harsh. I know that there is someone out there that has it worse than me. I know that I have lots of stuff in my life to be thankful for.... but sometimes the sadness overwhelms everything.

And I am tired of feeling overwhelmed by sadness.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T07:02:00.000-08:00

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

Even a sometimes depressed, anxious, worrier knows that they have tons to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and takes time to rememeber everything to be thankful for.

Teeter Totter

2011-11-15T08:58:00.000-08:00

I have been MIA in the blogging world lately.

I have done this. Life will seem to be turning a corner and I feel silly writing a post about feeling happy, feeling content, because I know as soon as I hit publish depression will show its face so I don't write at all.

Life has been (had been?) okay lately. I am not going to go as far as saying that a day hasn't passed where I didn't get upset or sad over something, but there has been days where it didn't affect me. Or I didn't let it.

What is weird is I told the spouse last night that I think it is coming though.

Last night I felt like I was teeter-tottling on an edge of a cliff. I feel like I should be anxious about something but couldn't put my finger on just what, but I know something is coming. I feel like a wave of depression is so close I can almost touch it. It makes me really believe sometimes that anxiety and depression can be a learned behavior. The husband's response was to ask if I have been taking my medicine.

:sigh:

I hate that.

I hate that this morning I was running late, upset at my daughter for telling me while I was walking out the door that she needed lunch money. Then in the car driving to work/school the husband calls to tell me a sign in front of the teen's school says today is the last day to order yearbooks. My response of course was to snap at him. His response again, was to ask if I took my medicine the night before.

Who knew medicine or the lack of, could be the cause for all my actions and words?

Sometimes, I swear I jinx myself.

& I cried.

2011-11-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

I don't think no week is complete for me without a good cry.

It's weird.. just when I think I have a couple days of no anxiety, no depressed moments, BOOM it sneaks on me.

There is a blogger I follow occasionally. Really, I have no idea how I found her. We really have nothing in common other than we live in the same general area and we are both moms. But then again, she has little ones and I am entering teen adventures.

Today, I read a post about her winning a vacation. A great, awesome, all-expenses paid vacation to a place I will probably never see but would love to go to one day. After reading it - on my phone - in the middle of the thirteen year old's bowling game, I cried.

Big, old, jealous, whoa is me, nasty tears.

Crazy, I know.

I want to win a vacation.

I want a Gift of Happiness... (& Lord knows, I know that seems pretty vain.)

I am sure it didn't help that I spent my lunch hour yesterday looking at Expedia trying to think of something different than the one long weekend once a year vacation to the beach an hour away that we usually do. It didn't help that I determined that all places on my bucket list are out of our budget.

I hate feeling sorry for myself...especially when I know there really isn't anything to feel sorry for.

I hate feeling jealous... especially jealous of a stranger for winning a contest I knew nothing about and didn't enter.

Can I blame it on my hormones?

I swear, I really do have to go back to therapy.

Unexpected Compliments

2011-11-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

November 1st!

I love the start of every new month. Every month I always hope for a new beginning. A new start for a depression-free, content life. One month I am going to get it right.

Today on facebook I posted that I am going to start drinking coffee. After trick or treating (Yes, my thirteen year wanted to go trick or treating and yes, I took her) I woke up exhausted.

I love the smell of coffee. It always reminds me of a Waffle House, I have never drink it though. I have been on the receiving end of coffee breath and sometimes it is kind of gross (Sorry coffee drinkers!)

On my way in to work I stopped and got a Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino. Is cappuccino coffee? I didn't love it and I probably won't try it again. I did feel kind of important having a coffee cup on my desk though.

But the whole facebook discussion on drinking coffee or not, ended with someone saying I might be old (Someone said drinking coffee equals old age) but I look damn good and the spouse is a lucky man.

Damn good.

Can you believe it?? Someone said I looked good. Sure the spouse tells me daily I am beautiful but like I tell him, he has to think I am beautiful - this person doesn't. Is it bad that I have let that comment go to my head??

I look damn good.

I am so weird.

One step forward, Two steps back.

2011-10-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how the see-saw of life works?

I can write a post about depression and how I am scared I am falling down the rabbit hole again. The next day things are a little better and I think things just might be looking up. Then life happens and I slip more into that hole. For awhile now I have been thinking maybe I have more than just the diagnosed anxiety and depression. I look around and everyone else seems normal. What the heck is wrong with me?

I saw this on Pintrest this morning... I feel like I could title it "Self Portrait."

Know what the spouse said to me this weekend? The person that just the other day told me he loves me more than I will ever know?

"I am tired of being dragged down. It's time to put your big girl panties and grow up."

Wow.

That was a kick in my stomach.

So instead of asking for prayers, if anyone wants to send me some big girl panties I will be willing to try them on.

It's up to me.

2011-10-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

I found this on Pinterest.

To whoever orginally pinned this - thank you. The reminder was much needed.

Not quite a Debbie Downer post but almost...

2011-10-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am in a runt.

Sometimes I think life is such a vicious cycle. Good days, bad days. Times when I know I should be grateful for my life but at the same time tired of it.

Ever since one of my closest friends hurt my feelings I have been keeping my distance from her. I know I shouldn't hold grudges, I know I shouldn't let stupid things bother me but when I am already constantly worried about being judged, knowing I was judged has made me put my walls up. Course this is also the same friend that has already made me feel like second fiddle last month. I told the spouse once that I wish there was a website for women to make and meet friends... like match.com but nothing romantic of course. I miss those days from elementary school when you can walk up to someone, ask them to be your best friend ansd skip away holding hands.

:sigh:

Lately the mirror and I haven't been getting along. Sometimes I wish I can find Tony Robbins and he can do one of those Shallow Hal hypnosis tricks on me.

I am in a runt at work. I know I should be grateful for a job and I do get paid good to do little but I feel unfulfilled. A trained monkey can do my job and I am over it. A couple of weeks ago I filled out an application to be a guardian ad litem volunteer. It is still sitting on my desk though.

I decided to take this semester of school. I think that was a mistake though. I think I now have too much free time to be bored, sulk and get depressed.

Also, my former Pastor sent me a message via Facebook asking if I am going to a different church. I am. It took me forever to think of a response to send. I have my reasons why I decided to leave but I didn't want to burn any bridges... I didn't want him to be upset... When I finally got my nerve up and figured out how to respond he deactivated his Facebook. At first I was relieved but that is just putting it off the inevitable.

This blog post is full or random randomness isn't it?

I apologize.

Could someone get me from under this gloomy cloud please?

Things I have never done

2011-10-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

1. Driven a stick shift vehicle.

2. Baked a pie from scratch.

3. Watched Gone with the Wind... or The Wizard of Oz.

4. Rode in a convertible.

5. Jumped of a highdive.

6. Enjoyed a candlelight dinner.

7. Had a birthday party.

8. Watched an episode of Dancing with the Stars.

9. Ran a marathon.

10. Seen a shooting star.

All completely random and all true.

Out of the mouth of babes.

2011-10-13T17:18:00.000-07:00

My daughter turned 13 last weekend.

13.

I am the mother of a teen-ager.

Yikes.

She is changing so much on me. She already is almost as tall as me and we have shared the same shoe size for over a year now. But she will always be my baby. I mean, I took this picture just last week.

This week she has been in Health class in school. We have had the basic birds and the bees talk ages ago but sometimes I am unsure of just how much she actually knows. Other times I think she knows a heck more than I think she know.

Today on our drive home after work I asked her how school went... she told me that today in Health class she saw a picture of her first penis.

When I picked myself off the floor she told me it had herpes.

I am dying.

I love this girl.

Edited to add: The worrier in me was laying in bed thinking I might have possible offended anyone that has herpes. I know herpes (& other sexually transmitted diseases) is nothing to laugh about or take lightly - trust me, I heard all about it today from the teenager.

Hurtful feelings

2011-10-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today a friend said something to me that hurt. I know I can be overly sensitive but it hurt just the same.

We were talking about our hair. It was a simple conversation... she said she wanted to get her hair cut and I told her sometimes I think about getting my hair cut off and starting all over. She then asked me if I remembered how short my hair was two years ago when our families started hanging out... she said she hated the way I used to wear it and she liked it better long.

Hated it.

Hate.

That hurt.

True, everyone is entitled to their opinions but I would never tell someone I hated their hair. I would say, "Oh, I like your hair long." I would never, ever, EVER say hate.

I wanted to tell her that that time I had my hair super short, I was at the lowest of my low.

I wanted to tell her back then I was chopping my hair off little by little. Until it was shorter than short. There was a couple of weeks where I was going to the beauty salon three times a week - at least. Getting my hair cut, coming home crying because I didn't like the way they cut it. Cutting my hair myself to try to fix it, then going to yet another hair dresser to fix what I ruined.

I wanted to tell her that back then I was dying my hair at least once week. Then sitting in a boiling shower because I was hoping the hot water and dish detergent I used to wash my hair would strip the color that I just dyed. Then I would go back to the store to buy another box of hair dye and start the process all over again.

I wanted to tell her that when my hair was that short I was a total mess. I couldn't work. I was unhappy and trying to reach this perfection that was impossible to ever get. I felt like if I could finally like what I saw I saw on the outside of me, I would be happy inside.

But I didn't say anything. I did what I always do. I said nothing but then in the car on the way home, I cried.

She hated my hair... what did she think of me? Did she ever talk about me behind my back? Did she have doubts being friends with this socially awkward, weird girl with the ugly hair? What if I did hit that low again one day? What if I go scissor crazy one day and I go through that weird, crazy, madness again?

The husband said she she didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I know she didn't know what was all going inside me back then. She doesn't know what still sometimes goes through my head now. The thing is, I know I looked awful. I was destroying myself. But for someone with horrible self esteem issues that is always worried about judged, it kind of validates my feelings that people sometimes do judge me negatively.

She didn't mean to hurt my feelings.

But she did.

The tale of the popped button.

2011-10-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

This morning I weighed.

Holy Moses.

I knew I gained weight. I have been snacking like there is no tomorrow lately. My pants were getting snug, and to be honest? I have a closet for of pants but lately I have to rotate between three pairs because I am down to those three that still feel a little bit comfortable. That was until the button on my size 10 Capri's popped.

I have a weird shaped body. I have an average size waist (I think) but my hips are big.... & I have a ghetto butt. Usually I might have to do a little wiggle to get pants up over my hips but then they are loose around the waist. Hence, why I freaked over the button popping.

Anyway, I weighed this morning. Dear readers, I have gained 25 pounds since last summer.

25 pounds.

25 pounds in one year.

It takes A LOT of guts to post this for the world wide web to see.

I can blame it on the medication, the snacking, the glass of wine I have been having almost every night this past week, the dryer shrinking my pants, but all those are all just excuses. So today, I packed my tennis shoes. I want to start walking during lunch. Oh & I gave my chocolate stash away. No more afternoon Nutty Buddies.

Or Kit Kats.

:sigh:

Please tell me that for 5'6, 155 pounds isn't necessarily obese?

Oh & for the record?? I know I am my own worst critic. I know that I worry too much about my personal appearance. I promise I will not obsess over this and become anorexic. I just want to feel less heavy... more comfortable and a little bit healthier.

& no more popped buttons.

Follow me?

2011-09-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

I know I do not have the following as some bloggers do. I am not going to lie - I think it would be cool to have hundreds of readers like the Pioneer Woman but I didn't start this blog to gain popularity. But I do have a favor.

If you follow this blog or just read it every now and then, could you click the "join this site" under the followers tab? I would like to read your blog and get a peek in your world too.

Thanks!

Today, I am thankful for Friday. :)

Welcome back curls

2011-09-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

I got the Brazilian Blow Out last month.

I loved it.

The salon said it should last up to 10 weeks. Course you are supposed to use their product (Which I haven't been faithful too. I never felt like my hair was clean with their brand name shampoo) & I was told to try to go three or four days between washing. Which I can't. My scalp gets way too dry and too itchy.

Lately though my hair has changed. It isn't super curly and it isn't straight. More wavy? Course it is longer than it has been in years and I know the longer it gets the more the curl probably pulls out.

Today though I didn't want to bother bringing out the flat iron. I used my custard and diffuser and called it a morning. I told the tween I was nervous to go to work. After I had it straighten I had so many compliments. It really made me wonder what people thought when I let my curls go. I have been wearing it pretty much bone straight for two months now... what kind of looks and comments would people say? (It really stinks having self-esteem issues.... I know I probably sound incredibly vain.)

So far no one has said anything. Not one single word. Is that good? Is that bad?

Anyway, I kind of like it today.

Welcome back curls.

Today I am grateful for the self-confidence that I feel today.

I am Superwoman... Not.

2011-09-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

I was torn on the title of this blog post. It was a tie between the above & Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda.

Sometimes I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders.

& before you hit the back button because you don't want to read another one of my depressing, woe is me posts, know I am really not depressed today; I don't think so anyway.

Sometimes I tend to blame myself for a lot of things I have no control over, but at the same time think maybe I did have some control over. (Does that make sense?)

My cousin Emmy that committed suicide? Emmy lived in Tennessee, about two months prior to her death she came to Florida to visit over a long weekend. I don't remember what was going on but when she was here I was too busy to meet up with her.

Then she died.

I always wonder if I could have noticed something or said something to prevent her choice. Maybe I would have felt some sort of connection, maybe we could have became close, started communicating more and maybe just maybe I could have prevented her death.

My rant about needing and wanting friends? The hubs has a cousin that is married. The couple is completely gorgeous and I am not going to lie - being the low self esteem, worried I am going to be judged, socially awkward person that I am - I have never really gotten to know them. A few weeks ago I took a leap and called them out of the blue and invited them over for dinner. They came and the night was awesome. I didn't feel inferior, I didn't feel shy. I felt like we clicked and thought just maybe I might have a new girl friend to confine in one day.

This morning she sent me a text to let me know they are separating. Long story short, he (the hub's cousin) cheated, so now they are taking some time apart.

My first thought?

Maybe if I would have had them over months or even years ago, we could have had all this dinner parties and maybe, just maybe, we would have had developed that Fred Flintstone/Barney Rubble type of couple friendship and then maybe he would have been too happy to stray.

I know that sounds irrational, but in my head it makes sense.

The husband's job? He doesn't complain about his his job. He works great hours and the pay isn't too bad but it isn't his dream job.

His previous employment? He got paid to do what he loves - THAT was his dream job. After a few years though his salary decreased, his benefits decreased and after seeing several co-workers get laid off he decided to jump ship before he was pushed.

I kind of, sort of, feel responsible though.

I know one reason he left was the pay. Maybe if I could have handled the finances a tad better we could have managed the salary cuts. Maybe if I wouldn't have complained so much about the rising gas prices he would have continued the 96 miles a day commute and did what he absolutely loved doing.

I hate feeling like I could have prevented something if only I could have done this or done that. & at the same time I hate feeling like I probably caused something because of this or that that I did.

Please tell me I am not the only one that secretly thinks they are some Superwoman, that doesn't use their powers.

Tomorrow morning, I will be thankful for a faithful husband.

Birthday Resolutions

2011-09-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday.

Over the weekend the birthday blues came to visit. Today, I am now officially closer to 40 than I was to 30. Today, I am the age my mom was when I got married. I am old enough to be the mother of the bride.

Yikes.

I hate the thought of getting old. I hate the thought of being old. But it beats the alternative, I guess. & surely I do not look old, right? Right?!?!

I know I have said this more than once, but I am ready for change.

I need change.

Instead of waiting for the New Year, I am making a couple birthday resolutions.

Resolution #1: In one of the many self help books I have read, I read a tip to think of one thing that you are grateful for before you even get out of bed each morning. I am going to try to remember to do that.

Resolution #2: I am going to start pampering myself. Being a mom and a wife, I often go without. I will rather have the spouse or tween have the bigger slice of pizza. I will put back that blouse or whatever else caught my eye and turn around and buy something for them instead. I don't plan to be greedy, but I do plan to start making myself a priority by doing little things for me.

I feel like I should list more. Lord knows there are probably dozens of things I need to change about myself and resolutions I should make but I am going to take baby steps into the new, content, happy to be me, me.

Today I am grateful for a new year.

Enough

2011-09-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

I envy people like BA from The Heir to Blair.

BA has blogged about her struggles with depression but with her she has an excuse, postpartum depression. She has a reason for her bout of depression. She had a baby that caused her hormones to go all out of whack. What is my excuse?

I have heard the spill from my doctor... some people lack serotonin and I am probably just one of those people. But to be honest, I question that theory. I didn't battle depression or anxiety as a teen. Not as a new wife or a new mom. Is it possible all the sudden my body just decided to stop producing serotonin and make me the moody, sometimes depressed, overly anxious person that I can be today?

With my struggles with body image, I wonder if I have BDD. I know I can my own biggest critic and if you read the symptoms, I swear I am a textbook case. Then again, I wasn't like this 5 years ago so I am not sure if BDD is something a person can just develop all of the sudden.

I wish I knew what made me, me.

Why am I this way? What is the trigger to all this? Why can't I be one of those testimonials you read about? The person who battled this demon or that and with the perfect medicine, therapy, or church their life is all puppies and rainbows now?

:sigh:

& with all those questions, the crazy thing is I know I have a good life. I know I have many blessings. So knowing this, why can't I feel content in the life that I have and just be happy?

The other day I ran across an awesome blog of woman that are happy within. My goal is to one day be able to contribute. To be happy with who I am, who I see in the mirror and know that I am just enough.

Because deep down, I know I am.

Just call me Snookie

2011-09-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

When your 12 year old plays with your hair you end up looking like Snookie.

I never noticed how big and round my arms are... and is my forehead really that big?

Yikes.

I hate pictures of me. I am the type that will take a million different pictures in a million different angles until I can find one I can half way tolerate. This one was the first take. I do deserve props for sharing and showing my faults and insecurities to the word wide web.

Now, it's time to go work on my tan. :)

I love him... I love him not.

2011-09-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I strongly dislike my husband (Sometimes I even want to say hate and I know that is really, really, bad.). Sometimes I think if we are together one more week it will be a miracle. I know being the depressed worry wart that I am, I take out at lot of my inner crap on on him but lately? Lately everything and everything he does seems to get me so angry.

I hate the way he always spills a drop of soda on the counter and never cleans it up.

I hate that he is home for roughly 2.5 hours before I come home and my own greeting as soon as I step into the house is always "What's for dinner?"

I hate that it will take days and days for him to put his laundry away (Which I have already folded).

I hate the way he will drop his clothes on the floor - steps away from the laundry basket.

I hate his sudden obsession in politics. If I have to hear another campaign or propaganda filled video, or Republican debate while I am trying to fall asleep, I.will.scream.

I hate is addiction to soda and energy drinks.

I hate when he empties his pockets his crap always lands on my dresser. Tools, pens, coins, keys, balled up receipts, gum wrappers - all get tossed on my dresser.

The crazy thing is just when I think this is it - I can't handle any more, I am reminded how good of a guy he is.

I love that he will take my daughter into town on a school night because she decides she has to have a certain color to paint her nails.

I love that I can feed him Captain Crunch or Ramon noodles for dinner and he doesn't complain.

I love that he signed us up for a weekly bowling league - something he isn't interested in, but he knows I like to bowl.

I love the way he will sometimes look at me out of the blue and say "Your so pretty," even when I know he has to be lying.

I love that even when I am mad at him, (& I know he isn't too thrilled with me) his feet always happens to find mine when we are laying in bed at night. I think the night when his foot doesn't reach out for mine, I will know we are in trouble for sure

So that has been my see-saw this week. I love him.... I don't... I need a break... what if he leaves me?... I wish he would just leave.... I wish just once for all to be right in the world and in my head for a solid month. Heck, I would even take a couple of weeks.

Oh & please tell me I am not the only one to have see-saw of emotions when it comes to their spouse.

Facebook is Evil... or maybe it's me

2011-09-05T06:08:00.000-07:00

I love reading other blogger's blogs. I love getting decorating ideas, recipes to try and getting a peek in other's lives. I love finding a blog and thinking "I get this girl," & knowing if we could meet in real life we would probably be BFF's (That sounds kind of stalkerish doesn't it?).

It's funny because I don't feel a twinge of jealousy when I read stranger's blogs. Facebook statuses from people I actually know?? That is whole 'nother story...

When I read or see pictures of that person standing with their "Sold" sign in front of a new 4,000 square feet house, it makes my own house look incredibly old and shabby.

That new, gorgeous baby makes my ovaries ache.

That update on the profile status of the college degree that they seemed to be able to get in less than a year, makes me feel like a slug.

The Facebook status announcing that they are finally in single digit jean sizes makes me feel like a big fat cow.

The Facebook status talking about the job I would give my eye teeth for. makes me feel like I am just pushing papers doing a job a trained monkey could do.

& don't get me started on the posts bragging about the date nights, weekends and flowers sent to the office...

Facebook has convinced me that deep down I guess I truly am a mean, jealous, awful bitter person. Wanting things you don't have, especially when you know what you do have isn't pretty bad - stinks. Just once though, I would love to read a Facebook status on someone admitting that they have depression. Or that they bounced a check, or that they just feel like the walls are closing in on them in general.

I think for me it is time finally step away from Facebook for good.

Earlier this week...

2011-09-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I signed up to win tickets for a Brad Paisley concert next week. Yesterday I get an email from the radio station that I not only won tickets but back stage passes. Back stage passes! I brag on Facebook. I call my friends, I call my husband. I go ahead and start thinking about what I am going to wear.... jeans? Shorts? Two hours later I get a phone call from the station's manager. It was a computer error. I didn't win back stages pass or the tickets. They understand the disappointment, please try again in another contest... blah. blah. blah.

Disappointment stinks.

Earlier this week one of my closest girl friends asked me what my family had planned during the holiday weekend. We talked about planning something and hoped to get together; have some combined family time and girl time.... something I really needed. She called me yesterday to tell me that she is going out of state to spend the holiday weekend with her BFF's that live there. Yes, I know everyone is allowed to have different set of friends. Everyone is allowed to have more than a handful set of friends. Everyone can do with what they want during the weekend.... I know all that and I feel really stupid saying this but it still stung just a little. & I felt stupid for letting it sting.

Jealousy stinks.

Earlier this week I signed up for the fall semester towards my Bachelor's degree. I was supposed to pay my tuition by yesterday at midnight. I should have paid for the class as soon as I enrolled but I hate spending money and I was trying to hang on to that $345.69 (Tuition is outrageous!) until the very last minute. Well, guess what? I forgot.... I remembered at 5:30 this morning that I was almost 5 hours late in paying.... now I am probably locked out and will have to beg an advisor next week to let me in. If they don't/can't, I will have to sit out this semester and will be behind what will already probably take me eons to finish.

Procrastination stinks.

Earlier this week I lost my sunglasses. My favorite pair of sunglasses. They aren't scratched, they fit perfect, I love them and I couldn't find them anywhere. This morning I found them. They were in the bottom of a purse. I pulled them out and saw the leg was broken and no amount of glue would fix them. I feel stupid saying this but I cried. I don't know if I was crying over a pair of Baby Phat knock-offs, being upset over school, disappointment over not winning a concert ticket, or feeling left out with my friend but it all came to head in a bowling alley parking lot.

I know this sounds all so ridiculous. I have a husband in the next room that loves me, a daughter that still allows me to hang out with her. I am not homeless or have some terminal illness, but right now I really want to feel sorry for myself and say life stinks.

:sigh:

Letting Friends In

2011-08-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I had the girl friends you see on television. Like the Sex & the City type friends where everyone meets for lunch to talk and laugh and share and no one really judges.

Not that I don’t have friends. I do, but I do not have a Charlotte or Miranda in my corner.

The friends I do have do not know that I suffer depression. They do not know I have anxiety. They don’t know I have self-esteem issues. They do not know that I take anti-depressants or have gone to therapy. It makes me really wonder now... Since they really do not know the real me and all my demons, are they really friends?

I blame myself for not letting people in.

Sometimes I feel socially awkward. I know I am socially awkward. I can pour my heart out to strangers on the internet (& even then I worry about being judged) but I shy away from others in real life. When my daughter took dance lessons, I would use a book as a shield to avoid having to talk to anyone or anyone approach me. It’s a Catch-22 really. I desire friendship, I need friendship but sometimes I am too scared to just let my walls down.

I would love to take the closest friend I have today and tell her all my struggles just to see her response.

I remember the days in elementary school where you could ask someone to be your best friend and have no shame in asking. I miss those same days where you had a dozen different BFF's all at the same time.

Is it me and the whole depression/anxiety issue, or is it just harder in general to have and maintain friendships as adults?

Living in Reverse

2011-08-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder about this whole anxious, depressed worry thing I got going on. I wonder just where it came from. What is the root of it?

Growing up, I didn't have the happy childhood represented on television sitcoms. My mom and I had an odd relationship (& still do, really) but I don't remember being depressed or it really affecting me. I don't think I was a depressed kid or teen. Sure I remember thinking my best friend or sometimes other girls were prettier than me, but I don't remember dwelling on it or picking myself apart in the mirror like I sometimes do now.

It is almost like I am living in reverse. I could understand feeling this way as a teenager, but with me it is the opposite... all my insecurities has came with age.

Weird.

All has been okay the past few days though. I am in week three of the BB and I still have hair on my head, so I guess that was another worry I wasted hours on. I am still a tiny bit worried abput what my regular girl who cuts my hair will say when I go in for a trim (She told me not to do it, too much maintenance.) but I will worry more about that later.

I am on day three of taking my medicine. I even had to get out my comfortable bed last night to take them (I wish I could remember before I go to bed). I think I can tell a little bit of a difference after only 3 days. When the news hit yesterday about the East Coast earthquakes the co-workers immediately started talking about the End of Days. Usually this would have started a flash of thoughts... Am I really saved? Is my family? If this is the end, my daughter will never experience love or marriage! I will never be a grandmother! I am not ready... It sounds loopy I know, but that can be the thoughts of a constant worrier like me. After listening to the End of Days argument I felt fine, no flash of thoughts, no sick feeling in my stomach. Maybe it was the medicine or maybe it was the lesson on earthquakes and tectonic plates from the Science class I just finished, but I didn't worry.

Knowing that something usually would make me worry isn't making me worry (does that make sense?) is a wonderful feeling.

& because I love 80's music, I thought this was kind of sort of fitting.

The Day After

2011-08-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, when I wrote my worry post after I hit published I was worried.

Imagine that.

I was worried that I was coming across as some neurotic mess. I was worried that someone would leave me a comment confronting me with my nonsense. I was worried that someone would post a comment telling me that yes after several washes and two weeks their hair suddenly did start to fall out after their blow out.

:sigh:

What is crazy is I know my thoughts are sometimes crazy. I know that I let these crazy thoughts control me and I obsess about it to the point I will get physically sick. I know my thoughts are extreme and sometimes completely out there, but I just can't help stop thinking about it... does that make sense?

Today, the day after, all is well. Sure, there is a lingering negative thought in my head but it isn't loud as it was over the weekend.

Time for some honesty... I have been pretty lax when it comes to my antidepressants. I always reach a point where I have several good days and the bad days are spaced out. I feel like I am "good," so I stop. Or I am in bed at night, remember I forgot my dose and I am just too lazy to get up. I hate to think I am one of those individuals that will have to take medicine every single day of my life and I don't want to accept that, but I think that is something I have to come to terms with once and for all.

:sigh:

This morning after I worried about how crazy I probably came across in my worry post, I was thinking I should delete that post. I saw that I had a comment (Thanks Bonnie!) so I was hesitate to delete it. Then later I decided yes, I was going to erase my foolishness and I saw I had another comment (& thank you Jen!) so I decided to let it stay. I have promised this time around I was going to be true to my feelings and how I feel in that moment.

This is supposed to be therapeutic right?

Worry #1

2011-08-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day of vacation.

In my last post I said that I had no worries. Lord, did that change real quick. It's funny how my mind can start racing and I think of a million things that bother me, that I am worried about.

On my local radio station they have a segment where everyday this guy talks about what "makes him sick." It is funny segment and nothing really serious. It got me thinking though. If I used this blog and wrote every single day about what I am worried about I could have a years worth of writing material. That's pretty sad.

What worried me last night? My hair.

Of course.

2 weeks ago I got a Brazilian Blowout. I love it. It is amazing to get out of the shower and have perfect hair without any product.

Before I got the blowout I did research. I read a couple of negative reviews, but overall everything I read was positive. Before the appointment I went back and forth. Should I spend the money or not? Is this vain of me? A friend eventually had it done and that was the deciding factor. Her hair looked great, and this review was from someone I actually knew so I decided to do it. It is no different than someone getting a perm right?

When I had it done, I didn't notice any of the bad stuff some people complained about. I didn't have the burning feeling, no watery eyes, nothing. I left the salon with no regrets.

It has been 2 weeks and I have had no regrets still.

Until last night.

You know how they say a hypochondriac shouldn't use WebMD? I don't know if I am a hypochondriac, but google can be dangerous for me too. Last night I slept with the recommended overnight conditioning mask. You are supposed to do once a week so this was the second time I did it. I was curious about it though... according to the bottle it is supposed to help keep your hair smooth. I was curious if it would work for someone that didn't have the blowout. The website I found didn't have the answer, but I did find all kinds of other stuff. Testimonials from women that claim that their hair fell out after the blow out, testimonials from women that left their salon with burning scalp, fried hair etc. Now nothing like that happened to me, but reading it made my stomach fell and gave me the anxious butterfly feelings in my stomach.

Is my hair going to start to fall out? If it was going to, wouldn't it have started falling out by now since it has been two weeks? Everyone loses hair while they shower right? Am I losing more hair than normal? Is the itchiness I feel now in my head?

I hate feeling anxious. I hate worrying about stupid, prideful things. I hate that I can let these negative, stupid thoughts control me.

Am I crazy, or what?

Things that make you go hmmmm.

2011-08-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

Vacation has been won-der-ful.

Not to down play mom's who do not work but I am now convinced I could be a homemaker. Everyday I have kept up laundry, had dinner fixed (at a decent hour), and you know the best of all? I have had no worries.

No worries about what to wear.

No worries about horrible hair days.

No worries about the boss closing his office door to talk with another coworker possibly having something to do with me.

No worries about someone judging me.

No worries.

It has been wonderful. It has made me wonder though... is this a fluke? If I became a hermit holed up in my house would I eventually find things to worry about?

Things that make you go hmmmm.

Learned behavior?

2011-08-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

I am back from the coast.

It was a good time, a fast long weekend and it had some relaxing moments, but it is funny how moments of anxiety or depression can try to sneak up on you. It almost makes me wonder if all this is a learned habit.

I had an episode on the way over. Before we drove to the beach we stopped by my mom's for a bit. Back story: my mom is different and we have a odd relationship. We are oil and vinegar, fire and ice. Different, different, different. But that is for another blog post; I promise. Anyway, she said some things that rubbed me the wrong way, some things that hurt my feelings. For the most part I didn't let it hamper my vacation overall, but there was some moments where I almost let it.

One morning while brushing my teeth out of the blue the thought popped in my head, What am I supposed to be worried about?

Are you kidding me??

Here I am on vacation, trying to have a good time - needing to have a good time and while brushing my teeth I am trying to think of a reason that I need to be depressed or something I need to be worried about?

I hate to think that depression is a learned behavior. I know I hate feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way, but at that moment while brushing my teeth it did make me wonder. Do I self consciously want to be depressed? Is all this inner turmoil and conflict a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Do people ever really become cured of depression or generalized anxiety?

Knee deep

2011-08-12T04:05:00.000-07:00

Gonna put the the world away for a minute

Pretend I don't live in it

Sunshine gonna wash my blues away

Today, I am coast side staring at the clock wondering what is an acceptable time to order a margarita.

I won't be blogging the next couple of days. Unless of course an anxiety or depressive moment comes, but that can't happen on vacation right?

Knee deep in the water somewhere

Got the blue sky breeze and it don't seem fair

Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair

Sunrise there's a fire in the sky

Never been so happy

Never felt so high & I think I might have found me my own kind of paradise

That song will be my motive for the next four days.

Where's my niche??

2011-08-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what you are meant to do in life?

Sometimes I wonder just what my niche is.

I go to church one Sunday and get all goose-bumpy and inspired. After listening to a sermon, I think maybe I am meant to share my story of angst with others and start my own mission helping others battle depression. But then I remember; who am I to try to help others when most of the times it takes all I can to help myself?

My heart tells me I am meant to be a mother. I have my issues, but I know I am a good mom (95% of the time anyway). My heart is full of love and I just know I have more love to share... I scour adoption websites and I wish I had the nerve to really find out what the steps are to become a foster parent. I could do it right? Then I remember I have depression/anxiety issues and doubt I could really make that step.

I finished my Associates Degree, but I still sit here at this desk working as an administration assistant. Joy. So many things interest me.. criminal law, teaching, massage therapy. I seriously think I could be a career student. I am still deciding if I should continue on towards my Bachelors this fall semester, or just take a break. I hate making decisions. I hate deciding. I wish someone would just make a decision for me and tell me what I need to do.

The 12 year old can tell you right now (& could tell you 5 years ago) what she wants to do, what she wants to be "when she grows up." She is going to go to college, become a veterinarian, and I will be her babysitter while she works (her words). The girl has goals. She knows what she wants to do, she has her plan and then here I am... thirty-something years old and still trying to figure it all out.

Surely, I can't be the only adult that is still trying to figure out what they want to be, what they what to do... heck what they actually want out of life? And if I am, tell me... how old were you when you had it all figured out?

Just call me needy

2011-08-08T05:40:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, I never had a birthday party.My wedding? My mother 'n law and I planned the entire event. Though my parents loved me, I guess they just never were the type to show me their affection.

& after typing that it just hit me. (This using the blog for therapy does work.) Why do I think having a birthday party for a kid or participating in a child's wedding, showing affection? Anyway, now with my own daughter I am the type of parent I always wished I had. I pray for my child with her. I give her birthday parties, I encourage her to have her sleep overs with her friends, I go to open houses at her school and I listen when she talks.

Again, I know my parents love me, and my childhood is just the way it was.

This week I finally finished all my requirements for my Associates Degree. The community college isn't having a graduation ceremony until December and I really doubt I will do the pomp and circumstances of walking with a cap and gown but in the meantime, I know it's done and deep down I am totally syked.

Saturday morning on my way to the salon to get a Brazilian Blow Out (Which I love!), mom asked me what my plans were for the day. I told her what I was doing and told her it was a present for myself for graduating and completing this goal. My parents response? Nothing really. No, congratulations, no what are you going to do now, nothing.

That stung.

Inside I feel like a 12 year old little girl starved for affection. Though when I was 12 I didn't think of stuff like that. I don't think I did anyway.

I feel silly being thirty-something years old wanting to throw myself a party, asking people to give me congratulations cards and attention.

Who knew I was such a Needy Edie?

A favor

2011-08-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog in the very beginning it wasn't to be famous. I am not going to lie, it would wonderful to be linked with a blog like say, The Heir to Blair, where I would have thousand of readers that had my web address known by heart, I could go to Blogher and everyone would know me and would want to take my picture little ol' me.

This blog was met to be therapeutic and it has been. & today I am glad I decided to keep logging my feelings.

When I went through my moments of insecurity and deleted the original blog, I lost my followers. Or the list of people that followed me anyway. Could I ask you a favor? If you follow this blog, could you click the "join this site" under the followers tab? I would to like to get to know the readers that read my little blog, and I would like to read your blog as well.

Thanks!

Wicked Witch of the South

2011-08-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have been a witch lately.

I have picked fights with the spouse.

I have been snippy and snappy.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so moody... I would like to blame it on PMS, but I am awful at remembering to write down the dates of my period, so who knows if that is the culprit.

I could blame it on my job. This place is wearing me down. I work for the most unethical department head ever. I would give my eye teeth to leave, but I make good money to do what I do. & I just know the minute I leave, they will get busted for all their misdeeds and then they will be gone and I will wish I would have just waited it out.

I could blame it on my school schedule. But that is coming to an end tonight. That's right my friends, I can cross Associates Degree off my list. I haven't made up my mind if I will take the fall semester off, or immediately move on to my Bachelor's. Decisions, decisions.

I could blame it on needing a vacation, but that is around the corner. I am ready to sink my toes in the sand.

I could blame it on HORRENDOUS hair days. Florida humidity hates my curls. I took the plunge and scheduled an appointment for a Brazilian Blowout for this Saturday. I am nervous. I have heard raves about it though. Hopefully I won't be that lone person that has a severe reaction to it and my hair doesn't end up falling all out.

I could blame it on the scale. I keep saying I am going to get off my butt and get with a program, but this and some Pepper Jack Tositio's has become my nightly best friend. It's the Pioneer's woman fault.

I could blame it on the economy. Or the husband. He has been addicted to all the debt ceiling news and now convinced we need to cash out our pensions, buy gold and bury it under the house. I am kidding about the burying part... sort of. It wouldn't surprise me if he sprung that one on me though.

I want to get over this meaness hump. I would rather be depressed and sulky than depressed and very vocal about it, witch.

:sigh:

A new slate

2011-08-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

For ages now I have been at a stand still with this blog.

I have struggled with what to say and my constant worry about people judging me. I know, I am crazy... why would I care if a bunch of strangers on the Internet thinks I am nuts? Most of the time I think I'm nuts. But I hate the constant see-saw in my life, I feel embarrassed writing it and I feel embarrassed thinking of people rolling their eyes over my constant see-saw.

I love my husband today and will blog about his support, next week I will probably feel like we are on the verge of divorce.

Today I like what I see in the mirror, next week I will probably cover all the mirrors in drapes.

Up and down, up and down.

I wanted to start completely over and try another blog. I thought if I could start on a clean slate I would no longer be scared or hesitate to write.

I went as far as deleting the blog. With a new blog, I had the idea of being anonymous. Who cares if I just blogged that my life is going great and the following day the sky fell? If that is what is going in my life, that is just what it is. Being anonymous, on a clean slate someone couldn't comment back to reminding me that just the other day everything was rosy. (But then I decided, maybe I needed that reminder, so feel free to remind me when the time comes!)

Tthen I couldn't think of a name. Every name I thought of was not available. & then it hit me; I do have a Martha Complex.... I do worry. That is who I am, so that does need to be the name of the blog.

This blog is supposed to be therapeutic for me and the ups and downs are real. I need to be true to myself and purge it out. The good, the bad, and the extreme ugly.

And this time I will.